Tuesday, October 24, 2000

The Great Bushippias/Agoreaborus Debate

After watching all three Presidential debates and most of the painfully shallow post debate commentary, we at Classics Corner have just one question: What the hell was that? BORING! And that's coming from a guy who reads Thucydides for fun.

Let's face it. Focus groups can't script a debate for shit. We want reality. It’s obvious these guys hate each other, so let's see some eye gouging. They're both assholes, and they should have the courage to say so.

We say if the debates are going to be scripted, let’s have them composed by Aristophanes, the profane comic playwright of 5th century Athens. If they were, they'd go something like this:

Bushippias: Should the people elect me, I will abolish taxes, reinstate slavery, and declare April 15th to be "Government is Very Very Bad Day."

Agoreaborus: Should the people elect me, I'll surgically attach a computer to every middle-class kid in America, and I'll build enough prisons to house the others. This will grow the economy by creating another 40,000 good paying guard jobs by the year 2004.

Bushippias: Fuzzy Math! Fuzzy Math!

Agoreaborus: Blow it out your ass, Monkeyboy!

Bushippias: At least I have one.

Agoreaborus: I can see you do, and the money you got from Big Oil is hanging out of your hole.

Bushippias: Did someone fart?

Demos: Tweedledee and Tweedledum. We go ho and we go hum. We yawn and then we scratch our bum. We pat our heads and chew our gum. We love TV and we are dumb.

Bushippias: I believe the death penalty is a deterrent, so once a year I'll use my cheap hand gun to shoot a random Washington Insider.

Agoreaborus: I like the death penalty even more, but I believe in gun control and a clean environment, so twice a year I'll personally garrote a Litterbug with piano wire.

Bushippias: As a Compassionate Conservative, I'll see that all Homeless People get turkey dinner on Thanksgiving.

Agoreaborus: Well, here's another area where there's a big difference between us. I'd empower them to work for their dinners, and teach them twentieth century skills, like biotechnology and aerospace engineering.

Third Party Candidate (offstage): Both of you are so far up the ass of Corporate America I can barely see your ankles. I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.

Bushippias: Did you hear anything?

Agoreaborus: Uh-uh, not a thing.

Chorus: How many words will fall from their mouths, before they say something real. Yes and how many times will we believe lies, like a clubbed and dazed baby seal? The answer, my friend, is it will never end, unless there is campaign finance reform. It doesn't even rhyme, and it will take some time. But what we need is campaign finance reform.

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